2008 Woodie Awards
Heelys, Leading Cause of Disaster
Steve Jacobs
Issue date: 10/8/08 Section: Humor
Tragedy struck Weeones West Elementary School on Tuesday leaving 23 injured and 12 shoeless. The debacle began harmlessly enough during the daily procession to lunch, but this heartwarming scene would soon erupt into one of the greatest catastrophes in Weeones' recent history.
"Everything was gravy," recalled Joey Crackenbottom, age 9. "Me and my crew was just rollin' down to get some eats with our sweeeet Heelys, cruisin' past all them wheel-less suckas. Then BAM, some crazy driver comes and broadsides us."
The "crazy driver," identified as Zachariah Zanzibar, was given detention at the scene and immediately hauled in for sugar-level blood tests. It was later confirmed that Zanzibar was heeling under the influence with a pixie-stick blood level of .23 on the Wonka Scale. Zanzibar's shoes were confiscated immediately pending further hearing, and he was sent to bed without supper later that night.
Others weren't so lucky as the hopped-up hooligan. Jon Reremy, first responder to the scene, beheld the horrific sight.
"Arms, legs, wheels and juice boxes were everywhere; I couldn't tell where one Disney shirt stopped and the next began," commented Reremy, adding, "the crying was also too deafening to think, especially that Joey kid, he just wouldn't stop bawling."
Through Reremy's efforts, with the help of some kind bystanders, certain death was avoided that day. The looming reality of what might have been, however, remained. Joey alone lost three teeth in the delinquent derailment (all of which had needed to fall out for the past couple of years).
Parents and administrators wasted no time springing into action on behalf of the children, who are reported in national studies as "not being thought about enough." New regulations and standards are being implemented as we speak in Weeones and surrounding schools. All classrooms are now required to do Heely Disaster Drills, during which they will practice getting under their desks in the event of a rogue wheeler entering the classroom. Traffic safety courses are also in the works, and Heely Roadside Assistance hotlines are being established. Mothers Against Stupid Children (MASC) has also done their part in raising awareness on all safety related topics. An increase in sales tax has been made to cover these expensive but needed improvements to children's well-being everywhere.
Here at UMD, we can do our part by remembering a few simple things. Firstly, we must share the roads with our pipsqueak pedestrians. Just because they're smaller doesn't necessarily mean you should run them over, or playfully nudge them with your bumper. Second, talk to a Heely wearing kid to set them straight. Explain to them why Americans are fat because they are incapable of walking, and point out that even if they think they're the bee's knees for speeding around the mall, it's not impressive unless they do tricks, good tricks. The one final point that you should remember as the patrons to this younger generation is, don't trip the Heely-wearing kid even if it is really, really, really tempting. Actually, go ahead and trip the kid, I don't care.
"Everything was gravy," recalled Joey Crackenbottom, age 9. "Me and my crew was just rollin' down to get some eats with our sweeeet Heelys, cruisin' past all them wheel-less suckas. Then BAM, some crazy driver comes and broadsides us."
The "crazy driver," identified as Zachariah Zanzibar, was given detention at the scene and immediately hauled in for sugar-level blood tests. It was later confirmed that Zanzibar was heeling under the influence with a pixie-stick blood level of .23 on the Wonka Scale. Zanzibar's shoes were confiscated immediately pending further hearing, and he was sent to bed without supper later that night.
Others weren't so lucky as the hopped-up hooligan. Jon Reremy, first responder to the scene, beheld the horrific sight.
"Arms, legs, wheels and juice boxes were everywhere; I couldn't tell where one Disney shirt stopped and the next began," commented Reremy, adding, "the crying was also too deafening to think, especially that Joey kid, he just wouldn't stop bawling."
Through Reremy's efforts, with the help of some kind bystanders, certain death was avoided that day. The looming reality of what might have been, however, remained. Joey alone lost three teeth in the delinquent derailment (all of which had needed to fall out for the past couple of years).
Parents and administrators wasted no time springing into action on behalf of the children, who are reported in national studies as "not being thought about enough." New regulations and standards are being implemented as we speak in Weeones and surrounding schools. All classrooms are now required to do Heely Disaster Drills, during which they will practice getting under their desks in the event of a rogue wheeler entering the classroom. Traffic safety courses are also in the works, and Heely Roadside Assistance hotlines are being established. Mothers Against Stupid Children (MASC) has also done their part in raising awareness on all safety related topics. An increase in sales tax has been made to cover these expensive but needed improvements to children's well-being everywhere.
Here at UMD, we can do our part by remembering a few simple things. Firstly, we must share the roads with our pipsqueak pedestrians. Just because they're smaller doesn't necessarily mean you should run them over, or playfully nudge them with your bumper. Second, talk to a Heely wearing kid to set them straight. Explain to them why Americans are fat because they are incapable of walking, and point out that even if they think they're the bee's knees for speeding around the mall, it's not impressive unless they do tricks, good tricks. The one final point that you should remember as the patrons to this younger generation is, don't trip the Heely-wearing kid even if it is really, really, really tempting. Actually, go ahead and trip the kid, I don't care.
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