2008 Woodie Awards
Experts say the economy is down, but you can still rise
Nick Dyshaw
Issue date: 10/15/08 Section: Humor
With the stock market tripping hard and eating pavement and the economy ending up like something from "Ripley's Believe It or Not," money is being lost everywhere. But I have a few suggestions that can help you through this unscathed and feelin' fine, even though $1.2 trillion was lost last week.
The first sure-fire way to get back all your money is to go for the high yield, high risk stocks, which can be found in any local casino. These have been around for ages and few know that they actually can get a return on these, but you will also have to invest in the lucky horseshoe, lucky rabbit's foot, a wishing-well and a unicorn's tail.
Another way is to grow your hair out into a mullet, buy a sweet classic car, live precariouly and have a sweet life story in which a movie producer will buy your life for millions and you become rich. Again, this involves investments in flannel, bail money and chew, but if you don't like your looks anyway, only good things can happen.
You can also try to go the opposite route and become high society. You can invest all of your money in wine and hope that it is tasted by the pope and becomes a major fad, which will increase its price, making you rake in the Washingtons. Caution on this one, though: to freshmen, Franzia will never become big. If you bought it, you better become a grape juice hangover lover.
With less money comes more free time, so studying will not be a good option to get addicted to, instead online poker and fantasy football, basketball, hockey, golf, bowling and badminton are your tickets to the good life. With your money randomly thrown into the internet, you can pick your destiny, wishing people get brutally injured, so you can win the next $20 pot.
Or if worse comes to worse and you happen to be an optimist, you can put it all back into the stock market which is in huge lows, make billions, live life in the fast lane, marry a model, own a Ferrari plant, buy Kansas, wear coats of endangered species and a smug look for the rest of your life. But that sounds dull, and who likes Kansas?
Anyway, cuddle up with a warm cup of sorrow and watch MTV to see what your life will be like when you move to California, mullet and all, because another's loss is your gain.
The first sure-fire way to get back all your money is to go for the high yield, high risk stocks, which can be found in any local casino. These have been around for ages and few know that they actually can get a return on these, but you will also have to invest in the lucky horseshoe, lucky rabbit's foot, a wishing-well and a unicorn's tail.
Another way is to grow your hair out into a mullet, buy a sweet classic car, live precariouly and have a sweet life story in which a movie producer will buy your life for millions and you become rich. Again, this involves investments in flannel, bail money and chew, but if you don't like your looks anyway, only good things can happen.
You can also try to go the opposite route and become high society. You can invest all of your money in wine and hope that it is tasted by the pope and becomes a major fad, which will increase its price, making you rake in the Washingtons. Caution on this one, though: to freshmen, Franzia will never become big. If you bought it, you better become a grape juice hangover lover.
With less money comes more free time, so studying will not be a good option to get addicted to, instead online poker and fantasy football, basketball, hockey, golf, bowling and badminton are your tickets to the good life. With your money randomly thrown into the internet, you can pick your destiny, wishing people get brutally injured, so you can win the next $20 pot.
Or if worse comes to worse and you happen to be an optimist, you can put it all back into the stock market which is in huge lows, make billions, live life in the fast lane, marry a model, own a Ferrari plant, buy Kansas, wear coats of endangered species and a smug look for the rest of your life. But that sounds dull, and who likes Kansas?
Anyway, cuddle up with a warm cup of sorrow and watch MTV to see what your life will be like when you move to California, mullet and all, because another's loss is your gain.
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